Techie, Engineer and
(Received in the Jester's email since 1994)
The top 10 events at the Geek Olympics:
10. men's weightlifting - benchmark press
9. 100-meter freeware swimming
8. 400-meter backupstroke swimming
7. floppy discus
6. asynchronous swimming
4. upgrade hurdle
3. tech support relay
2. TCP/IP configuration marathon
1. high-tech stock diving
Fowl Play - Computer Chickens - Crossing the
In PC World, how does a
chicken cross the road?
Will cross the road in June. No, August. September
It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was
so quiet that
Win 95 Chicken:
You see different colored feathers while it
crosses, but cook it
and it still tastes like ... chicken.
Microsoft Chicken Ò:
It's already on both sides of the road. And
it just bought the
It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a
First it builds the road ...
It crosses the road without looking both ways.
The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd
to him on the other side.
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped
on the other
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the
download one to the other side. (Of course, those
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just
keeps on running.
Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web
Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but
you can carry it
across the road in your pocket !
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you
don't dip it in
liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other
side fully cooked.
Quantum Logic Chicken:
The chicken is distributed probabilistically on
all sides of the
road until you observe it on the side of your
Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same
way we do !
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken
to cross the
road, so there's no way to tell it to.
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change alight bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
31 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life
(Jester's note: I received this list in 1995 so have updated
and added a few items)
1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a
land-line number, fax number, cellphone number, pager number, SMS
number, e-mail addresses for two POP3 accounts, usernames for SKYPE,
AIM, YIM, and your Internet
URL, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.
2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
3. You need to fill out a form that must be printed or typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser
printers, and you have forgotten how to print by hand.
4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
5. You disdain and/or pity people who use dial-up net access.
6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
11. You couldn't find, nor probably own, any ordinary postage stamps.
12. You have texted someone who is physically less than 15 feet away from
13. You back up your data every day.
14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.
15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
18. Your home LAN has two or more subnets.
19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
22. You know the difference between DVD-R and DVD+R..
23. Al Gore struck you as an "intriguing" fellow.
24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
27. You change your screen savers more frequently than your bed sheets.
28. You have a functioning home scanner/FAX/printer/copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*.
30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.
31. You email this page to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone.
The Top 10 Things Engineering School didn't teach:
10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
6. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
1. Dilbert is a documentary.
Math, Physics and Engineering
In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?" The mathematician said: "Never." The physicist said: "In an infinite amount of time." The engineer said: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."
More Why Did The Chicken Cross The
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the
establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of
rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken
has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's
side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The
chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the
competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen
Consulting ,in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the
chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and
implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM),
Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge,
capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and
technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program
Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse
cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson
consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in
a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal
knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to
synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of
delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an
enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry
cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting
enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically
based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified
market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core
values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business
integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to
become more successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the
black man. The chicken `crossed' the black man in order to trample him
and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where
all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives
called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He
said unto the chicken, ``Thou shalt cross the road.'' And the chicken
crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own
eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the
road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed
the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever
motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I
mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this
chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that
the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: Our soon-to-be-released Chicken '98 will
not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents,
and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, ``Why did the
chicken cross the road?'' Rather, it is, ``Who was crossing the road at
the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have
been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically
disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or
the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the
road... it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: It was an instinctive maneuver,
the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started
COLONEL SANDERS (Famed for Kentucky Fried Chicken):
I missed one?
PHYSICIST: Because the chicken's momentum had a
positive component towards the other side of the road.
QUANTUM PHYSICIST: Because you measured its momentum
MATHEMATICIAN: Because of the intermediate values
ALGEBRAIC GEOMETRIST: Well, consider a faithfully
flat etale coherent sheaf...
cross_road() was called
was called from
RMS: The licenses for most roads are designed to
take away your chicken's freedom to cross it. By contrast, the GALLUS
Road Public Licence...
GARY LARSON: ``THE OTHER SIDE - Why do you need a
ENS STUDENT: Contretest.
I sent my Chicken across the Road,
Some Letter of that Other-side to download:
And by and by my Chicken return'd to me,
And answer'd ``I Myself am Princess and Toad:''
MARKETING DIVISION OF MICROSOFT CORPORATION: Where
does your chicken want to go today?
MARVIN: The other side is just as dull as this one.
Don't talk to me about chickens.
ARTHUR DENT: Why did the chicken cross the road? 42?
No, that doesn't make sense.
GOETHE: Es irrt das Huhn, solang es die Straße
HARI SELDON: It's part of the Plan.
To cross, or not to cross, that is the question: -
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind, to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous side;
Or to take arms against a road of troubles,
And by crossing end them?
THERMODYNAMIST: Because the pressure of chickens was
greater on this side of the road, and the chicken's crossing made the