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Brought to you by The Jester 


Techie, Engineer and Computer Jokes
(Received in the Jester's email since 1994)



The top 10 events at the Geek Olympics:

10. men's weightlifting - benchmark press
9. 100-meter freeware swimming
8. 400-meter backupstroke swimming
7. floppy discus
6. asynchronous swimming
5. DEC-athlon
4. upgrade hurdle
3. tech support relay
2. TCP/IP configuration marathon
1. high-tech stock diving


Fowl Play - Computer Chickens - Crossing the Road.
        In PC World, how does a chicken cross the road?
 
NT Chicken:
    Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.

OS/2 Chicken:
    It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that
    nobody noticed.

Win 95 Chicken:
    You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it
    and it still tastes like ... chicken.

Microsoft Chicken Ò:
    It's already on both sides of the road.  And it just bought the
      road.

OOP Chicken:
    It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

Assembler Chicken:
    First it builds the road ...

C Chicken:
    It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken:
    The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer
    to him on the other side.

VB Chicken:
    USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)

Delphi Chicken:
    The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other
      side.

Java Chicken:
    If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will
    download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets)

Web Chicken:
    Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Gopher Chicken:
    Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Newton Chicken:
    Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it
    across the road in your pocket !

Cray Chicken:
    Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in
    liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.


Quantum Logic Chicken:
    The chicken is distributed probabilistically on all sides of the
    road until you observe it on the side of your course.

Lotus Chicken:
    Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do !

Mac Chicken:
    No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the
    road, so there's no way to tell it to.


Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change alight bulb?

A: 1,331:

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey.

19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.


31 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life
(Jester's note:  I received this list in 1995 so have updated and added a few items)

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a land-line number, fax number, cellphone number, pager number, SMS number, e-mail addresses for two POP3 accounts, usernames for SKYPE, AIM, YIM, and your Internet URL, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be printed or typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers, and you have forgotten how to print by hand.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain and/or pity people who use dial-up net access.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head. 

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions. 

11. You couldn't find, nor probably own, any ordinary postage stamps.

12. You have texted someone who is physically less than 15 feet away from you.

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. Your home LAN has two or more subnets. 

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling. 

22. You know the difference between DVD-R and DVD+R..

23. Al Gore struck you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You change your screen savers more frequently than your bed sheets.

28. You have a functioning home scanner/FAX/printer/copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

31. You email this page to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone.


The Top 10 Things Engineering School didn't teach:

10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.

9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.

8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.

7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.

6. Always try to fix the hardware with software.

5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.

4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?

3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.

2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.

1. Dilbert is a documentary.


Math, Physics and Engineering

In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?" The mathematician said: "Never." The physicist said: "In an infinite amount of time." The engineer said: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes." 

 


More Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting ,in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken `crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, ``Thou shalt cross the road.'' And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: Our soon-to-be-released Chicken '98 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, ``Why did the chicken cross the road?'' Rather, it is, ``Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?''

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: It was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.

COLONEL SANDERS (Famed for Kentucky Fried Chicken): I missed one?

PHYSICIST: Because the chicken's momentum had a positive component towards the other side of the road.

QUANTUM PHYSICIST: Because you measured its momentum too precisely.

MATHEMATICIAN: Because of the intermediate values theorem.

ALGEBRAIC GEOMETRIST: Well, consider a faithfully flat etale coherent sheaf...

C PROGRAMMER: cross_road() was called from get_other_side()

C++ PROGRAMMER: chicken->CrossRoad() was called from chicken->GetOtherSide()

RMS: The licenses for most roads are designed to take away your chicken's freedom to cross it. By contrast, the GALLUS Road Public Licence...

GARY LARSON: ``THE OTHER SIDE - Why do you need a reason?''

ENS STUDENT: Contretest.

OMAR KHAYYÁM:
I sent my Chicken across the Road,
Some Letter of that Other-side to download:
   And by and by my Chicken return'd to me,
And answer'd ``I Myself am Princess and Toad:''

MARKETING DIVISION OF MICROSOFT CORPORATION: Where does your chicken want to go today?

MARVIN: The other side is just as dull as this one. Don't talk to me about chickens.

ARTHUR DENT: Why did the chicken cross the road? 42? No, that doesn't make sense.

GOETHE: Es irrt das Huhn, solang es die Straße übergeht.

HARI SELDON: It's part of the Plan.

HAMLET:
To cross, or not to cross, that is the question: -
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind, to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous side;
Or to take arms against a road of troubles,
And by crossing end them?

THERMODYNAMIST: Because the pressure of chickens was greater on this side of the road, and the chicken's crossing made the entropy greater.




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